Shingles is a very painful condition that usual targets the elderly.  The good news is that once you get it, in most cases you won’t get it again.  Also good news, recovery for most is swift.  But for my grandmother, her recent bout with Shingles is the last straw.

 At 96, Gaga (as we affectionately call her) lives on her own in Philadelphia.  She lives in a great apartment building for seniors.  The property is secure and has many conveniences,  an activity room, a library, computer center, fitness center, endless activities and the residents take regular field trips… including shopping trips to the grocery store.  The only thing that is not here is some type of assisted living program.

 My grandmother is amazingly active… even cooking and cleaning for herself.  But lately, I must admit, she is showing signs of aging that has me concerned about her living on her own.  Gaga, being very much in her right mind, is concerned also.  That’s why she says she wants to move to an assisted living facility.

 I must admit, at first I had reservations.  We’ve all heard the horror stories associated with these facilities.  And, of course, I can’t help thinking when I get that age, I don’t want to live in a rest home.  Isn’t that what family is for?  To take care of our elders until they go to that final resting place? 

 It is a difficult choice for so many families, especially when that elderly loved one needs constant care or medical attention.  Providing that care can be emotionally and physically taxing, as well as time consuming for family members… which can bring a tremendous strain to the household.   And hiring good help can be expensive.

 Being in her right mind,  Gaga says very often and very firmly (she is a feisty one)  that she does not want to move to Georgia (where my mother lives)  because her friends are here in Philly.  She adds that it also doesn’t make sense because she believes she will die soon and there will be the added cost to transport her body back the Philly, where her funeral and burial have already been paid for.  She also says she refuses to be a burden. 

 I still can’t help but feel guilty, but today I am here in Philly and we are going to look at assisted-living/rest homes.  The good news is that my grandmother can afford to live in a kind of upscale facility.  She and my grandfather, who died two years ago, were big savers.

 All of this has me thinking about living out those final years.  Especially about those who could not save enough to afford proper care they may require in their senior years.  It breaks my heart to think about the countless number of elderly who probably lived very rich and fulfilling lives but will now spend those final years poor, alone and most likely, neglected.  They deserve better.

I have to talk about a recent incident that got me thinking about when to insert myself into a situation that does not directly involve me. I was walking down my block in Brooklyn, on my way to the cleaners.  I live directly across the street from a middle school, so often I see students coming and going from class. 

 On this particular day,  as I was walking down the street, about a quarter of a block in front of me were four middle school girls, walking ahead of me. But they were about my size, just a tad shorter.    The girls were singing and shouting at the top of their lungs, as well as laughing, all typical activity for young girls.  But then something happened that left me shocked and appalled.

  A woman turned the corner and was walking towards us.  I was still about a quarter of a block behind the girls.  So the woman would pass them first.  She passed the first two girls who barley noticed her.  But the last girl, who was lagging behind a bit did something unforgivable. As this woman passed closely by the girl, the girl reached over and touched one of the woman’s breast and quickly flipped it up  (just for the sake of reference I will note that the woman was a generous A cup, so it seemed like she didn’t have a bra on, but she had on two layered t-shirts). The woman, who was clearly shocked, stopped and looked at the girl.  The girl kept walking, but was laughing hysterically at what she had done and began telling her friends what just happened.  The woman was clearly mortified but kept walking. 

  Then as the woman got further up the street, she yelled out the f-word, and that was all she said. I kept walking but the girls stopped and I wondered as I got closer to them if we would have any kind of negative interaction.  Interestingly enough, one of the girls innocently asked me for a quarter (not the one that flipped the breast).  I said that  I didn’t have one, but I have to admit my heart raced a bit.  Here’s why.   I hear countless stories about girls in gangs, especially in New York. In fact a 16 year old girl was recently arrested in the city on two separate murder charges.  These girls seemed a bit detached from morality. And while I wanted to say something to these girls about their behavior, something inside of me told me to mind my business and walk on by, so I did. 

 I can’t stop thinking about that woman, who didn’t seem to speak much English. She was a very thin, young, Asian woman.  She must have felt so violated.  I know I would have.  But had she retaliated, I believe without question she would have had a fight on her hands.  And that breaks my heart.  What influenced these girls to be so disrespectful of other people and themselves?   I mean these girls didn’t even know this woman. And the girl, with her friends approval, felt she had every right to touch that woman in that way. 

 Quite frankly, I am also surprised at myself.  I was disgusted at what I saw.  And usually when I see kids acting up, I have something to say.  In adult to child kind of way.  Especially since the girls were Black like me.  But these girls, as I said before, seemed unable to feel remorse. And I felt like stepping in, even to let them know what they did was wrong, would have proved harmful for me.  But I can’t help but feel guilty about not standing up for that woman.  

I was actually booed while sitting on a recent panel, because of my perspective. What I said exactly (please hold your boos until you reach the end of this blog) was that “even if a woman spits in a man’s face he should not hit her. He should do nothing but walk away”. After many debates with men and women who strongly disgree with me, I stand by my statement.

Look, I don’t condone anyone spitting on anyone. In fact, I don’t think any disagreement should become physical. But it is important to remember in most cases… men are stronger. A man’s body contain pound for pound more muscle than a woman’s. So when a disagreement between a man and a woman becomes physical, according to the US Department of Justice, women are significantly more likely than men to be injured. And the number one killer of African-American women ages 15 to 34 is homicide at the hands of a current or former intimate partner.

And yes, there are men that are seriously abused by women. But the number of battered men are far less than battered women. In fact, the Bureau of Justice Statistics reveals that women are about six times as likely as men to experience intimate partner violence.

With that said, I feel it is dangerous to give any many any excuse or justification to hit a woman. One man may feel he was justified because she spit in his face. Another, because she got up in his face daring him to hit her. Another, because she didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home. Another, because she couldn’t keep the kids quite. It all may depend on the mentality of the men. We have to create a culture where a man abusing a woman is unacceptable. Period.

Let me ask this to those who disagree with me, if Rihanna had spit in Chris Brown’s face, does it justify the beating she allegedly received from him?

And fellas you should ask yourself… if a woman is doing anything that makes you want to hit her… why are you with her in the first place? Especially if she is spitting in your face or doing other things to provoke you? Don’t you deserve someone more mature than that? Why risk severely injuring or killing a woman and getting locked up, when you can just walk away?

Real men turn the other cheek and walk away.

I celebrated my birthday Saturday, January 31st, and I have to admit…. To me, it was a perfect day,  full of well wishes, special time with special people and lots of singing and dancing on a bar (smile).

But, hands down my most favorite moment is kind of a tradition.  My mother called me around 8 a.m. on my birthday morning to sing happy birthday to me and to tell me the story of my actual birthday.  She tells me about how she went into labor and headed to the Navy Base in Philadelphia (my dad was in the Air Force).  When she arrived late that morning, she said doctors told her I would not be making my debut until late that night.  But she says a little before 2 p.m. she felt a sharp pain and yelled out “This baby is coming!”

She said they rushed her to the operating room and says moments later, I popped out screaming (the doctors didn’t even have to spank me).  She says I haven’t shut up since… lol.  She tells me that story every year, but every  time it feels like the first time.  Love you mom!

Other than a relative or close friend of President Obama and the First Lady, in my mind I can’t imagine who is more proud than I am of his becoming our first African American President (well… those who lived through the civil rights movement are probably ahead of me on the proud thing). Both President and Mrs. Obama inspire and influence me personally. But I am also encouraged by how they will change the way the world looks at African Americans and the way we look at ourselves. Without question, doors will be open for us collectively in ways we never dreamed. It won’t happen overnight, but I believe a shift is already underway.

With that said, African Americans must realize this inevitable change for Black people is not the sole responsibility of Mr. and Mrs Obama. Every move they make does not have to have a direct tie to the African American community. In fact, it would be a mistake if they operated that way.

Of course I am expressing these thoughts after complaints that Michelle Obama did not choose the design of an African American for her Inauguration dress. And to those who are upset about it, I say “Get Over It!” (but I say it with love).

Don’t get me wrong, I get what it would have meant to that Black designer, had he or she been selected to design Michelle Obama’s Inauguration dress… a dress that will be placed in the Smithsonian along side the other First Lady Inaugural dresses. That kind of recognition could have blown up that designer bigger than they probably ever imagined. To see that happen for an African American designer would have made me very happy.

Heck… it would have been nice if Obama’s entire cabinet and staff members were all Black. It would have been touching if Sasha and Malia attended a Black school, the students, teachers, staff…. all Black. It would have been great if only Black bands were hired to play at all of those Inauguration Balls, or if Obama’s Air Force One pilot was black. Furthermore, it would have been wonderful if only Black journalist were allowed to cover the Inuguration for various media outlets (that way they all had to go out and hire Black reporters and videographers and producers).

And if that were the case I think we would perform in all of those positions brilliantly, because we are a brilliant and talented people. But… let me repeat what I know many of you have heard, but refuse to embrace. Barack and Michelle are not just ours. We have to share them with everybody else. Beyond that, it is the responsibility of The President of the United States to represent all people. So as African Americans we should accept what that means. It means Michelle had every right to hire the young Asian-American designer that created the dress she wanted to wear.

It amazes me that we treat our new President and Michelle like they have no desire to relate to or embrace the Black community over a decision about a dress. What about their choice to have Beyonce sing “their song” as they danced at the Inauguration Ball? Or having The Queen of Soul sing “My Country Tis of Thee”? What about having his Kenyan grandmother on the main Inauguration platform along with Dr. Martin Luther Kings relatives? What about having Rev. Joseph Lowery close out the swearing in ceremony with the benediction.

Or for that matter… years before he even thought about becoming President, he made the choice, as a biracial man to embrace his Blackness instead of rejecting it. For example, marrying a brown skinned sister… who in her senior thesis while at Princeton wrote that her time at the school had made her far more aware of her Blackness. As a young couple, they joined a Black church where his children were baptized. Obama worked as community organizer in the Black community instead of taking a corporate job out of law school. He traveled to Africa to learn about his relatives there. The couple puts braids in their daughters hair. And they chose Black people, such as Reggie Love, (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Vote2008/story?id=5606643 ), to be their personal aids, which includes spending lots of time around their children.

And I have to add… how many of us can truly cast the first stone at Michelle when it comes to choosing African American designers? Who made your wedding dress? Who made the outfits your children were baptized in? Their graduation outfits? Your daughters prom dress? What you wore on New Year’s Eve? For that matter, who made that purse you have on your arm?

Again, I sincerely will celebrate each time an African American is selected to play a role in in the Obama Presidency. However, as I said earlier that change Barack campaigned on does not lie solely in the hands of our President or our First Lady when it comes to Black people. But they are the inspiration, the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel we need to make life for Black people in this country better than it has ever been.

Still here in DC… just hours away from Inauguration.  Everyday is full of events around the clock.  I was honored to be featured on a panel of dynamic women discussing “What Obama’s Presidency means to us”.  It was me, Star Jones (who looks AMAZING), Mikki Taylor of Essence Magazine, Author and former music exec. Jackie Rhinehart, People magazine’s  Amy Keith and HIV-AIDS activist Maria Davis.

We discussed where we were on election day, how Obama can influence the overall image of African Americans and what are today’s pressing women’s issues.  On the latter, I said “being single is an epidemic for Black women”.  I mean Oprah dedicated an entire show on the fact that an overwhelming majority of Black women are single.  And for those of us who want to have kids… tick tock.

I am not saying Obama should get into matchmaking, but the future of the Black family needs some attention.  Talk of there being a shortage of eligible Black men is nothing new.  There are even some who feel the “Black Male shortage” is a myth” (check out this article, “Is there a shortage of Black men, or are women just too picky? ‘We count Black men, don’t we?’”). But let me say this…  Is a woman’s attraction to financial or professional success in a man so different from a man’s attraction to the most beautiful (face and body) woman he can find?  For most men and women, despite these superficial attractions, in the end your connection with the person, your compatibility that determines the final decision.  And define picky.  Are we supposed to just date anyone who comes along?  Substance abuser, lack of work ethic, doesn’t want children, abusive (physically or emotionally) to women, the player, a man with six kids by six different women, the man that doesn’t believe in personal hygine, the man that doesn’t even know who Dick Cheney is, etc.  Please.  I can give you examples of women who got with men in each of these situations and ended up with a broken heart or worse.

The fact is if a Black woman wants to marry a Black man (and I get that we can date outside of our race), but if you want a Black man, it won’t be easy.  There are many wonderful brothers out there (I know many of them) but there are 100 Black women to every 70 Black men (not inlcuding brothers in prison or halfway houses); Black men enter interracial marriage at a higher rate than any other race or gender, and at twice the rate of black women;  the marriage rate for Black people dropped 34 percent between 1970 and 2001; 44% of Black men and 42% of Black women have never been married; black women are the most unpartnered group in the world; and Black women are 5 times more likely to be single at age 40.

I am not trying to be negative or discouraging.  And most of all I am not trying to be down on the brothers. I love Black love.  And I am hopeful that the loving example by Barack and Michelle becomes part of the solution.  All I am saying is this is an issue that needs much more attention and doesn’t need to keep being dismissed as sisters just singing the blues.

So I am here in DC with my sister, my mother and my 95 year old grandmother.    Thanks to early planning, we are booked at a hotel right in the heart of downtown dc… not too far from the Capitol.  We have a lot of events to attend over the next few days and then  I have to get to work for TV One as part of the network’s all day coverage on Inauguration day.

I really didn’t expect to see Barack or Michelle and the girls until Tuesday’s swearing in… but I just saw them!!!!!!  Ok… it was actually the President-elect’s motorcade, but when that limo wizzed by, police escort and all,  I got chills. Our car had to pull over as the motorcade flew by, but I caught a quick glipse of what looked like the first family.  I know… why am I so excited about this “glimpse”? Shouldn’t it have sunk in by now?  Not for me.  It can’t believe it is really about to happen.  Barack Obama is about to become our 44th President.